Am I the one?

IMG_3433It gets you thinking doesn’t it? Am I guilty? Am I the one who is actually the big fat narcissist?
Look at me: I am writing about what happened to me. There were times where nothing else mattered beside telling the world about his abuse on my life. Am I able to disconnect? Or am I just using this blogging, writing to give more fuel to my own disorder?

Something in me tells me: “don’t even go there!” Yes, I know… What else is new? Everyone has a dose of narcissism, and that IS a good thing. Without some self-esteem, pride, self-love, how could we face rejections and critics?

I think I can bring something to other women in abusive relationships. I have helped women in abusive relationships. Isn’t this good enough?

I have lived under a boot for seventeen years. I have destroyed my self-esteem for the sake of someone else, for whom no matter what I said, what I did, even what I thought, I was never good enough. I am tempted to make other people suffer the same fate. Yes, I am. Not because I want to, but because this has been a way of life for me for years and years. I am tempted, as a natural defence reaction, but I don’t do it!

I have lived a large part of my life with someone who criticised everyone, complained about everything, looked for anything better as a hobby and when he found it, criticised and complained some more, looking for something, anything better out there, and the ball rolled again and again.
Now, I long to enjoy every single bit of life that God is giving to me. I marvel at the sky, the clouds, the sea, the wind, the snow, the buds on the trees, my son’s achievements, his smile, a song, a movie… anything really. I am no Carter (from Friends, haha!) but I do love what I see everyday, and I say it. Thank you for all I see, all I have, all I receive!

Is this a bad thing? Am I too self-involved?

No, certainly not, but I question myself a lot. This is the cross I am carrying.


2 thoughts on “Am I the one?

  1. No, not at all. I think that being involved with a Narcissist is a very soul destroying situation to be in.

    There is no greater loss than losing yourself.

    The Narcissist will cause you to lose part of yourself. And so you do all that you can to get yourself back, the longer that it goes on, the more it can shape your sense of identity.

    Think you are the one at fault is a common manipulative trick from abusers. i am sure that how you are, and what you are doing is just right for you. And I am also sure that what you write helps someone else. IF it helps one person…. and helps you….. then that can only be good!! 🙂

  2. How encouraging, thank you very much. In this battle, sadly, I know I am not alone. Comfort from “sisters and brothers in pain” is what helped me get out. Now, the journey has started, one little step at a time.

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