It gets you thinking doesn’t it? Am I guilty? Am I the one who is actually the big fat narcissist?
Look at me: I am writing about what happened to me. There were times where nothing else mattered beside telling the world about his abuse on my life. Am I able to disconnect? Or am I just using this blogging, writing to give more fuel to my own disorder?
Something in me tells me: “don’t even go there!” Yes, I know… What else is new? Everyone has a dose of narcissism, and that IS a good thing. Without some self-esteem, pride, self-love, how could we face rejections and critics?
I think I can bring something to other women in abusive relationships. I have helped women in abusive relationships. Isn’t this good enough?
I have lived under a boot for seventeen years. I have destroyed my self-esteem for the sake of someone else, for whom no matter what I said, what I did, even what I thought, I was never good enough. I am tempted to make other people suffer the same fate. Yes, I am. Not because I want to, but because this has been a way of life for me for years and years. I am tempted, as a natural defence reaction, but I don’t do it!
I have lived a large part of my life with someone who criticised everyone, complained about everything, looked for anything better as a hobby and when he found it, criticised and complained some more, looking for something, anything better out there, and the ball rolled again and again.
Now, I long to enjoy every single bit of life that God is giving to me. I marvel at the sky, the clouds, the sea, the wind, the snow, the buds on the trees, my son’s achievements, his smile, a song, a movie… anything really. I am no Carter (from Friends, haha!) but I do love what I see everyday, and I say it. Thank you for all I see, all I have, all I receive!
Is this a bad thing? Am I too self-involved?
No, certainly not, but I question myself a lot. This is the cross I am carrying.