I should have known better. Now that I look back, I KNOW! I can related to all the sceptic people who listen to my story and think, “right… If she gave in to this guy, she must be cuckoo, so anyways…” Oh, yes, I can relate. How did this happen? How did I not see it coming?
The saddest part is that I did. From the minute I met him, I knew something was odd. But I had problems of my own. I had just landed in Asia. When I write “just” I mean exactly that. He was the very first person who talked to me on this continent of outer space. I was lost, sad, tired, different from anyone else.
Oh, I can hear you from here. Wow! To Taiwan, all by herself, how courageous! Well, I was not. I went to Asia because I wanted to escape the hell that had become my life. Pat Murphy, I hope one day, you’ll read this blog and understand what your dissatisfaction and violence have brought in my life, because it is useful to know what someone’s attitude can do to a partner’s life.
I had a sad life and I wanted out. I loved Pat Murphy with all my heart. But I was not enough for him. He had problems, and you will laugh now, I thought my love would change him. What a load of c.
He was envious of what other people had and somewhere deep down, poor self-esteem. He did not want to love me, as I was not the trophy like princess you bring home to Mum and Dad and all highschool friends drool on. He did not want me, he did not court me. I was just there, loving him. The day he said he loved me back, he cried all night. I thought this was so romantic… as I said, I had a sad life.
Our love story went completely south when he returned from a short “break” back home to Ireland. Officially, he went to spend Christmas with his family. He simply did not come back. Not a word of explanation, he was just MIA. After six months, I called his mother and asked if he was, at least, still alive. He was and he came back.
I knew he had another relationship during these six months, but I did not want to hear about it, it would have been too painful, I chose to tak ethe high road. So when he asked:
-“What have you been up to, during all this time?”
I replied: “Let’s not talk about this.”
This was a way of protecting myself, but actually, it got him doubting my faithfulness. Yes, I agree… what else is new? A cheater sees cheating everywhere… I should have known… But I was nineteen, twenty… Who gets anything at that age!
His violent rages became the constant in our relationship. I felt guilty because I had said those fatal words “let’s not talk about it”, thus condemning myself to suspicion and abuse.
I spent nights crying, and the next day I went to work with puffy eyes but a smile on my face. His leash was very tight. I went nowhere, met no one, because I was not to be trusted.
When my Mum or my sister would ask: “I’m going shopping, you come along?” I would glance over to him, and meeting his threatening glance, I would decline. When there was a traffic jam and I would come home late from work, angst grabbed my stomach as I guessed my fate when I would finally reach the front door of our house.
No one knew my drama. I kept smiling and, to the outside world, we were madly in love and ever so happy and destined to be together… practically soul mates!
Despite my agony, I could not leave him. He was the air I breathed, the sun in my pathetic horizon. Instead, I encouraged him to start an affair with a colleague. I had no idea where this would go, but I wanted a bit of freedom. I was suffocating and did not know how to get out of this.
This new development gave me space. I channeled my energy into helping other women in abusive relationships and also started an association to help refugees. Part of my dream (helping others) had come true.
My personal life was a disaster. I came home late to an empty house, a note on the table “I am at… you know.” I saw them walking in the street holding hands. Our circle of friends hung out several times a week, and I witnessed the sly furtive eye contacts between them… I was sad and I wanted out of this situation.
My university was quite keen on all students going to Asia at some point. I jumped on this opportunity. Little did I know. My self-esteem had been shattered in the process. I was still kicking with projects and dreams, but my heart was wounded.
Someone was there, waiting for a new prey…