I just read an article. It was about a Mum who is grieving her daughters. her support group is of course the most helpful place on earth. I remember those times, when I could only find support with “virtual” people. They understood what I was going through and did not judge me for my failures.
This Mum states in the article that someone told her: “If you do not feel guilty, then you are not living anymore.”
That sentence really burned my heart. I spent many awaken hours convincing myself not to feel guilty, that this was not my fault. Yes, I wasted my entire adult life loving three men who were sociopaths in one way or another. But I did not want to be blamed for this, I refused it. Now that I read this article, am I to understand I should naturally blame myself? Am I to understand this was all my fault and feeling guilty gives a meaning to my life?
I am not grieving in the way this mother is, far from it. I am grieving the best years of my life, I am grieving the image I could have given of myself. In truth, I am grieving my wasted life. It is a battle every day to thank God for all I have and ignore what I could have had. Guilt leads to anger, anger because I am afraid to have no time left to make it up for myself. So, I don’t want to give in to anger, I don’t want to surrender to guilt.
I am thankful! Thank you to Paul, my violent boyfriend, because he taught me to be strong and believe in myself. I survived his violence and left. Thank you Steve, my psychopath ex-husband, because he taught me to be strong some more, and to look over to God for answers when all else fails. Thank you for ever to Bertrand, for having given me my darling son.
These words are hard to write, I spent years not even writing their names, just initials or “the bastard” (sorry!). I have a resolution. I should really give in to gratefulness and find ten things to be thankful for to each three of them.
If I don’t feel guilty, I will feel thankful.